My Official Resignation
Today marks my official resignation! I will no longer be holding the title of “The Black Sheep.”
Lying terribly still I try not to wake my lover. Tears escape me like blood spilling from a fresh cut. My eyes are blinded, and I try to refocus my gaze on the celling. I realize something about this day is totally amiss. Today is his wedding day, and several things cross my mind. Has the ceremony occurred yet? As I lay here silently weeping, have they just sealed their vows with a kiss? These questions shine a brighter light on an even bigger question, why am I here and not there? Why aren’t my lover and I sitting at the venue watching this whimsical event take place? The answer is simple yet incredibly complex; I am the “Black Sheep.”
I don’t know when or by whom, but at some point, I was chosen as the perfect candidate for this challenging position. I don’t remember the interview process, or even signing on the dotted line, but I’ve maintained this position for over twenty-five years! That is a mighty long time to hold a position that you never wanted in the first place. I don’t know what it was about me that made me such an appealing candidate. Was it my kicking technique in my mother’s womb that had me a step above the competition? Did I lie on her bladder too hard during her pregnancy? Why was I the chosen one? My sibling sent me a save the date (invite) in the mail approximately two months before the scared event. Unfortunately, my prestigious position doesn’t pay all that well, so there was no way I could drum up that kind of cash in such a short amount of time. I also recognized during this time that my reality and others are totally different. I realized that in my world when your brother asks a woman for her hand in marriage, he would at some point (preferably before the wedding) introduce the two of you. Is that not some type of social etiquette? Being that I’ve already been recruited and chosen as my families “Black Sheep” this lack only added to my feelings of being unwanted and unloved by my family, especially my brother. I mean who doesn’t introduce their fiancé to their one and only sister? I could comprehend this if we had a falling out and hadn’t spoken in years, or if I had stabbed him in a family brawl, but none of that occurred. When I questioned my mother about his unorthodox behaviors, she informed me that he had provided his fiancé’s phone number so that I could call and introduce myself! Who does that? So as I gathered together the string of evidence, it was very clear to me that my presence was unwanted. Thus the reason I’m lying here crying in silence, but it will all be okay because today I’m resigning. I will no longer hold the position of “The Black Sheep.” They will have to find a replacement, and since there are only the two of us it looks like he’s in for a demotion.
I’ve come to understand that often times we are let down because of our own expectations. Each and every one of us has beliefs on how life should go, and how we should conduct ourselves; what you are to do when you get married, how you are to carry yourself as a mother, what makes a good friend so on and so forth. Our beliefs are a part of what cause us such great turmoil. We don’t judge people for whom they are, we judge them for who we believe they should be. It took me years to learn this lesson, and I’m attempting to apply it to my life. Hopefully one day one of us will see value in maintaining a relationship with the other, and we will put the time and work in to fix what has been broken.
“Sometimes I feel like a piece of trash blowing about in the streets, or is it a piece of art? Depends on who finds me.” BB
Today marks my official resignation! I will no longer be holding the title of “The Black Sheep.”
Lying terribly still I try not to wake my lover. Tears escape me like blood spilling from a fresh cut. My eyes are blinded, and I try to refocus my gaze on the celling. I realize something about this day is totally amiss. Today is his wedding day, and several things cross my mind. Has the ceremony occurred yet? As I lay here silently weeping, have they just sealed their vows with a kiss? These questions shine a brighter light on an even bigger question, why am I here and not there? Why aren’t my lover and I sitting at the venue watching this whimsical event take place? The answer is simple yet incredibly complex; I am the “Black Sheep.”
I don’t know when or by whom, but at some point, I was chosen as the perfect candidate for this challenging position. I don’t remember the interview process, or even signing on the dotted line, but I’ve maintained this position for over twenty-five years! That is a mighty long time to hold a position that you never wanted in the first place. I don’t know what it was about me that made me such an appealing candidate. Was it my kicking technique in my mother’s womb that had me a step above the competition? Did I lie on her bladder too hard during her pregnancy? Why was I the chosen one? My sibling sent me a save the date (invite) in the mail approximately two months before the scared event. Unfortunately, my prestigious position doesn’t pay all that well, so there was no way I could drum up that kind of cash in such a short amount of time. I also recognized during this time that my reality and others are totally different. I realized that in my world when your brother asks a woman for her hand in marriage, he would at some point (preferably before the wedding) introduce the two of you. Is that not some type of social etiquette? Being that I’ve already been recruited and chosen as my families “Black Sheep” this lack only added to my feelings of being unwanted and unloved by my family, especially my brother. I mean who doesn’t introduce their fiancé to their one and only sister? I could comprehend this if we had a falling out and hadn’t spoken in years, or if I had stabbed him in a family brawl, but none of that occurred. When I questioned my mother about his unorthodox behaviors, she informed me that he had provided his fiancé’s phone number so that I could call and introduce myself! Who does that? So as I gathered together the string of evidence, it was very clear to me that my presence was unwanted. Thus the reason I’m lying here crying in silence, but it will all be okay because today I’m resigning. I will no longer hold the position of “The Black Sheep.” They will have to find a replacement, and since there are only the two of us it looks like he’s in for a demotion.
I’ve come to understand that often times we are let down because of our own expectations. Each and every one of us has beliefs on how life should go, and how we should conduct ourselves; what you are to do when you get married, how you are to carry yourself as a mother, what makes a good friend so on and so forth. Our beliefs are a part of what cause us such great turmoil. We don’t judge people for whom they are, we judge them for who we believe they should be. It took me years to learn this lesson, and I’m attempting to apply it to my life. Hopefully one day one of us will see value in maintaining a relationship with the other, and we will put the time and work in to fix what has been broken.
“Sometimes I feel like a piece of trash blowing about in the streets, or is it a piece of art? Depends on who finds me.” BB